Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Having Nathaniel Part 3

It was early, about seven am, and I was expecting Daddy and the Minister around nine. Ordering breakfast seemed so trivial that morning but I knew that I had to eat something. It just seemed so unimportant. I found myself lying there in that hospital bed and though emotionally I felt a wreck, physically I felt fine. I had had enough of hospital beds. So I wheeled breakfast over to the window next to a chair. A few bites were all I could manage. All the time you were still lying in your blanket in my lap. Pushing breakfast aside, I then turned the chair around to look out of the window. It looked chilly- November chilly. Grey. Rainy. The clock was moving forward and there was nothing I could do to stop it. After the Baptism I would walk out of the hospital and never see or hold you again, at least not in this lifetime. And I was crushed by this. How could I just leave you there? How on Earth was I going to do this? I stood up and leaned against the window sill. I moved your blanket just a bit so that your face was exposed to what little light there was under the clouds. I asked for help. All of my Grandparents are gone from this Earth. All four. Not one lived to meet my children whom I know would have given them so much joy. I looked out and thought about all the things I had talked about with this little body here in my arms over the last hours. Promises I had made. One was that I would do my best not to live in sorrow. That I would Mother Wren and Dane in a spirit that also honored Nathaniel. That they would know they have a brother in Heaven. That when things got bad, and I was feeling sad, that I would look for him in the Sun and in the Moon. That I would know, in my heart, that he was with my Grandparents, looking down on us. Nathaniel's face was literally a glow. It happened quickly, the clouds had parted, the sun shown in the window upon us, and then disappeared once again. I stood there as if transfixed. Nearly two hours had passed because just a few seconds later the Minister walked in , and then Daddy. And then the nurse who had been there with me most of the previous day. We stood hand in hand after I laid you in your little bassinet as the Minister read the story of the First Baptism. We all cried. I had placed a picture of Wren and Dane together at your feet. I had wanted them to be there too. The Minister told the story of how Jesus had told all of the people at the Baptism that children were some of the most important people of God. He asked them to recognize this and I thought to myself how my children mean the absolute world to me. The nurse knew my difficulty and asked if we were ready. The three of us walked you down to the little room where your pictures had been taken and the nurse showed me where to place the bassinet. I saw the two faces of my living children in the photograph at your feet and kissed your sweet little face one last time. Wren and Dane's picture traveled with you on your journey and that picture is part of your ashes. Hardly a day goes by that I do not lay a hand on your box just to feel you near. I feel your spirit in everything I do with Wren and Dane. It's as if Wren can read my mind when she says "Let's draw Nathaniel a picture." And, of course, I say "Yes, Wren, let's."


mama bear said...

The greatest gift we give our children is the capacity to give and receive love. The second greatest gift is to show true emotion and understanding. Small children are not lost on this. You have given your children the most important gifts of all - something no amount of money can buy and gifts that will follow them throughout their years on this earth. I am thankful for you. You have done well, my child.

Anonymous said...

Kris, it is with a heavy heart when I read about Nathaniel. What a beautiful tribute to a precious life that was taken too soon. As a mother, I too know the joy and heartache our children bring us. Your loss must be a heavy burden on your heart, one I can only imagine. Wren, Dane, and Nathaniel are blessed to have you as their mother.

deborah_kearby said...

My dear niece, only a loving mother could share such a beautiful story of a relationship that began at conception and will never die even though you and he will not have the priviledge of a life together here on earth. Your depth of love can not be contained. For the energy of that love will indeed be felt by the energy that is Nathaniel. You are a blessing to your children and to all of us.

Nancy said...

Dearest Kris, Jason, Wren and Dane:

What a precious tribute to Nathaniel. Your tribute shows a depth of love which began at Nathaniel's conception and continues on. I am thankful the good Lord knows how to bring comfort as we experience the loss of someone whom we love and cherish so very dearly. Nathaniel's short time on earth left a gift for us all through your honor to him and your message on the legacy of love.

Much love,
Aunt Nancy

Bending Birches said...

I am a stranger to your blog; I had just stumbled upon it a few minutes ago..but I am so glad that i did. you are a woman and mother of courage and strength; this is so obvious. All of your children are incredibly lucky to have you as their first teacher.
warm wishes.